An EPIC and amazingly terrible film idea.

On my three hour drive back from an undisclosed location in Essex, I was listening to a certain, famous radio breakfast show- and they were talking about the epic hit DVD smash 'Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus- 'Winner... Eats... All!" Needless to say, I fell asleep after about 45 minutes, watching the film previous to the radio listening and not driving, I'd like to add. Luckily for me (and the world) there is only one single, amazing part of this epic megagiant fight and I didn't miss that. (See trailer for more details: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fa7ck5mcd1o -  the trailer is essentially the whole film)
Possibly the Golden Gate Bridge part is a close second. I think the director was wisely concerned about putting too many awe-inspiring, lavish and sensational moments of action in one film, in case the universe implodes under the gravity and histeria this would inevitably cause.

Anyway, today I discovered something that has added an extra layer of awesome gravy to my life, awakening me to a whole new universe and realm of possibilities, increasing the depth and complexity of my imagination, reviving my soul in this cathartic process. I don't think mere words are enough to convey the ecstatic and all consuming extent of my excitment. But here it is, simply:

                                  *There is practically a whole GENRE of "Giant Monsters of the Deep who Battle to the Death" films*

I mean- sure, I was excited when I found the sequel in Blockbuster Mega Piranha, but this new piece of information took it to another level, and I have reevaluated my entire view of my life and the world. Two films that were particularly (and solely) responsible for this transformation: Dino Croc vs Super Gator and the jewel of the Giant Monsters of the Deep Battle film drama: SHARKTOPUS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2HGoR8pSps which not only seemlessly and beautifully genetically splices a Great White Shark with an Octopus (if this wasn't obvious from the title) but also every victim it mindlessly takes down, is a bikini clad lovely: the good, old fashioned violence and sex combination, which is suitable for all the family. 

So all this has culminated in my idea for an EPIC and fantastically terrible film-  

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus vs Mega Piranha vs Dino Croc vs Super Gator vs Sharktopus 

A mass and massive fight to the death and definitely to the destruction of the world. Perhaps even involving some sort of tag team action. Maybe starring Dwight 'The Rock' Johnson as the rogue scientist who prophecises the end of the world, and then futilely attempts to prevent the inevitable apocalypse by obsessive research and data collection. Eventually culminating in him being dragged into the battle, punching Mega Shark in the face, before being dragged to his death in the depths by Sharktopus. 

I feel that there should also be some romantic sub-plot culminating in a soft core porn-esque scene (although I worry I'm packing too much spectacular action into one film and that the world won't be able to handle it... I don't want to be held personally responsible for ruining the film industry because no other film that attempts to follow could ever surpass the magnitude of this plot.) 

Nevertheless, to continue, I imagine her as Megan Fox, or certainly someone with that dangerous and smouldering sex appeal. Mid-sex scene, the window of the submarine they are in to undertake experiments and gather data as part of the aforementioned futile attempt to combat the torrent of monsters that has been unleashed upon the World's oceans, due to the catastrophic combination of global warming, alien invasion, nuclear war and global reccession, is smashed by the tenticles of Mega Octopus. The Rock is then dragged from the heat and throes of his moment of passion, into the intense battle ensuing in the ocean depths. Megan Fox then screams in agony (the Rock in his last seconds frollicking in the dry air, has heroically pushed her into the safety of metal, secure air lock) as she witnesses the object of her desire being dragged into the depths, mere moments after the climax of their relationship, tragically denying her of the post coital embrace she'll spend the rest of her life attempting to construct in the lonely and broken abyss of her imagination.

I'm going to copyright this idea. And make tens of pounds. Which definitely wouldn't cover the cost of hiring The Rock or Megan Fox, but would be worth making a loss to gift such a film to the world. Everyone wants to die a hero.

I adore that I live in a world where such ideas for entertainment are not only conceived (which is immense enough in itself) but also where such gorgeous ideas are realised, immortalised for all time for the straight to DVD world.

A day has four corners...

I've just remembered this website: http://www.timecube.com/

I love conspiracy theories, and how people dedicated and spend so much of their life looking into something so passionately.
But- this is in a class of it's own. It is, completely and utterly bonkers. It doesn't deserve any other explanation. It makes negative sense, no sense whatsoever. And is basically the ramblings of a mad man. Or, as he claims himself to be 'The Wisest Human'.... Goodness gracious.

When I'm sad, I just stop being sad and be AWESOME instead.ree

That title is a quote by Barney Stimpson from How I Met Your Mother, and not only is it pretty hilarious, I also wish that I could actually do that. Recently I've noticed that I am, ridiculously hyper-emotional. I cried today, just watching 8 Simple Rules- the ones after their Dad dies, and it is just lump in your throat sad. Also, the other week whilst I was around at someone's house, I cried nearly uncontrollably at Casper: The Friendly Ghost, I couldn't stop myself. I wonder if it is a phase... my metaphorical cup of emotion seems to forever be full to the brim, and it doesn't take much to make it overflow. And even though that metaphor is liquid based, I'm not just referring to crying, it does apply to the whole spectrum of emotions.

At the moment, of course, I'm feeling slightly down and despondant about my unemployment status, and slightly disillusioned at the whole application process- and it really does seem to be affecting every nook and cranny of myself and my life. I cheered myself up by buying some mittens, with a smiley face on the fingertip part; so that now, when I wave to people, I'm smiling at them with my mittens, I'll obviously smile too, but I thought they were cute, anyway. And waving in mittens is always an actively I find incredibly fun! Also I downloaded the entire Beatles back catalogue, and I'm happily singing along to 'She Loves You' right now.

Anyway- the point I think I'm trying to make is, I wish I was better at snapping myself out of emotional moods, bad ones perhaps specifically and maybe even solely- although having a self provided, if external catalyst of music or fun knitwear can't be too disastorous or destructive. It is hard for the hyper-emotional (I assume by generalisation and extension of myself, anyway) to contain an emotional onslaught from pervading all areas of their day- I suppose I've realised the flaws or benefits of this just recently, when you meet someone who functions in an entirely considered and calculated manner, and who seems to be able to rationalise feelings- two concepts I had previously thought were oxymoronic...

Other people's happiness...

... How wonderful it has been today for there to be a happy new story, Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged; I want to note here how lovely and quite frankly amusing and hilarious Prince William seemed. I truly hope they are ecstatically and disgustingly happy for the rest of their lives. :)


It has got me thinking though, about things I'd like to achieve in life- and I'd like to make a list, and I figured that here was as good a place as any to document such a list, as I think of things. Recently I've crossed one off my list, for years I wanted to go to an England Rugby Match at Twickenham and I was lucky enough to go this weekend. And what a match to go and see! The most fantastic try, the best I think I've ever seen and a glorious victory against Australia 35-18! Rugby spectators too are so polite and dignified, waiting in a crowded line to be let onto the train platform. 
The other sporting thing I'd like to go and see if a Grand Prix, perhaps at Silverstone. Or truly, if I lived in dream land, Monaco, and I'd like to be sat on a yatch in a bikini sipping champagne... Or on the Red Bull Motor Home...


I'll add more life wishes as I think/remember/consider them. 

Unemployment. TV Critic. Synonyms?

There are, as far as I have concluded this far into my unemployment spiral, two benefits to unemployment- I get to watch lots of TV, and generally devour reading material by the shelf-full.
I think this might be two different versions of the same benefit. But I do have the time to differentiate them into two seperate benefits.

If there is one thing that I have psychoanalysed about myself, it is that I love being annoyed and irritated by things, I love to have something to bitch about... but then again, who doesn't! Which is why I love watching shows like The Only Way is Essex and getting annoyed about their benal lack of conversation, that isn't even communication, rather like two things seperately making noise at one another. I did notice that about 60% of their conversation involved them just repeating what the other had said, perhaps this helps them process the compleies of their discussion...? Oh i'm mean.... The acting though is really top drawer. Even though they are real people, so anything could happen. I often find myself talking to a friend at a camera friendly angle.

The same reason that I love to watch X Factor and get irrationally annoyed or confused at how people can be so deluded about their talents and "perform" tone-deaf renditions of songs in an attempt to begin their ascent to fame. And the same reason I love to get infuriated by Louis Walsh and the fact that I think he might be having some sort of dementia-esque mental breakdown.

What I've been particularly suprised at recently, though, is Gillian McKeith on I'm a Celeb. Intitally, what I don't understand is why on earth someone who has such phobias about bugs and heights can decide to go on a show of this nature? Surely, since this show does seem to function as a defibrilator to resusitate (or perhaps jump start) those celebrities who find the list they find themselves on is denoted by a very low alphabet letter... but surely- who can be this desparate for fame...? Either that, or as several people have pointed out on twitter, she is doing all these dramatics to get as much air time as possible. If so, it's definitely working; however there is something disgustingly and histerically funny about watching an eldery, somewhat ironically unhealthy looking dietian, former PHD, woman fainting at a challenge on TV... and screaming ... histerically at Ant plucking a leaf out of her hair. I wonder how many bush tucker trials she'll endure before she quits...

And don't even get me started on the morons who are competing on The Apprentice. "If I were an apple pie, the apples would be orange"- what the hell does that even mean, does it make sense? And these people are competing for a six figure salary?!

Job Search Rant. Entry Uno.

Since I have completed my Masters about... three weeks ago now proabably, I've been on the job search. And again, since I an perpetually reading about how there are no jobs out there, I thought it might be prudent, perfect and provocative and pleasing to preserve the thoughts, experiences and angst of someone applying for a job in "THE WORST ECONOMIC DOWNTURN SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION" etc. It serves as a creative outlet for me and as an act of outreach to people who are going through similar trials and want to rant, commeriserate and cry along with me. To quote HSM because, well why the hell wouldn't I, "We're all in this together".

The thing is though, we're not. I'm surprised at what a lonely desert of rejection this actually is, desolate, despairing and depressing. They told me as I applied for postgraduate study that was a lonely year, happily they were wrong, and I travelled or rather skipped in the merry way that mild wine intoxication inevitably result in, along the postgraduate path of dreams with likeminded friends. Now I feel very alone; applying for jobs in the evening, working in the day packing socks in my parent's warehouse (a job i'm lucky to have, don't get me wrong, and Rex the Samoan Bird King knows I need the dinero) but at the same time it is dull, monetoneous and mind numbing, and I have to listen to Mansfield 103.2 all day- but that is another rant. (I've taken to cataloguing everything that annoys me about said radio station on my twitter http://twitter.com/gemmalouiselowe .)

So I thought, whilst applying, it would be good to gain some more experience, so I applied to some local newspapers to beg some experience, offering my eyes, brain, reading skills and self for free. I was told today however, that because neither of my degrees are accredited by the society for trainee journalists or something, that I couldn't be considered for any work experience. Which felt like a massive kick in the teeth, what harm could I do as unpaid work experience, it is hardly like I have an inappropriate degree, with English Literature... and it is hardly like I've not got a brain or proven I can work hard, all I requested was the consideration for some experience. Offering myself as someone who makes tea if that's all they had, so I could experience... something. But no, I prostituted my brain and my self for free and was rejected. Damning.

I can't help feeling now that if I'm not even wanted for an unpaid piece of work experience, what chance do I have against the competition for an actual paid job...? First response as this may be, it seems the universe might be damning me slightly here...

Jade Goody; The Musical. Enough said.

Before I start my rant on this; I'd just like to point out that the illness and death of Jade Goody was incredibly sad. It is sad that any young mother should die and leave behind her young children. Also, there is something to be said for the increased awareness the media frenzy has given to Cevical Cancer in young women & Jade raised money to support her children, as any mother would.

But.

Jade Goody the Musical? What on earth is that about? What is it going to be about? In the article on BBC News it said that the play was going to reflect Jade as an 'ordinary' girl and the actress that plays her also needs to be ordinary. For a start, there has never been a character in any play, film or novel that has been ordinary. Nobody wants to go and see an oridinary story, people get ordinary in their everyday lives. What else is this musical going to be about? Because as far as I can tell, Jade Goody was basically the victim or product of the bizarre and quite frankly morally corrupt media (but I suppose dues must be given to her for taking advantage of this), who before she got cancer branded her as a talentless, waste of space, common, stupid racist bigot. It seemed that as soon as she was diagnosed with cancer, the press suddenly changed tact; hailing her as the hero of the 'ordinary folk'; or as I think someone called her (loosely) Princess Diana from Essex.

For starters, Princess Diana did a lot of good things for the world and society, where as Jade shows society all of its worse flaws. Even though both women were wrongly treated by the media, I think the similarity ends here. The fact is that noone thought about Jade Goody in any sort of positive light before there was a potential tragic angle and a sadness; should we look back so fondly on a person who was so racist, so awful in both depictions of her in Big Brother, who was just famous because the press hounded her... Did she have to live out her struggle with cancer so relentlessly in the public eye? I know it was to raise money for her boys and that she was exploiting a system for this purpose and I suppose although I could never understand how she could have undergone all that publicity during the lowest and most disabilitating weeks of her life, I can understand she was just milking the system she found herself in.

But I think this whole thing has gone beyond this. Jade Goody books in pictures now? Jade's last wish articles? Jade Goody reality TV shows documenting her last days? Jade Goody the musical? Do we need all this? Surely the first thing that should be done is to set up a charity for cervical cancer in her name? Perhaps it has and I just don't know about it, and if a charity has been set up, why hasn't this been publised more than books and ridiculous documentaries and MUSICALS? Surely for a woman that noone liked before she was diagnosed with cancer (to put it bluntly) then cancer awareness is something good that Jade contributed to society surely this should be what is being focused on, rather than the view of Jade through the rose tinted view of death? At the moment, all the Jade Goody memorabilia seems to be amounted to is a media cash cow, and everyone is getting their stools in place ready to milk it.

Why didn't Jane Tomlinson get this much publicity? She spent her last year doing marathons, raising money for cancer research, she too had children but didn't use her publicity solely to raise money for her children, but to raise money to help find a cure for the disease that killed her. Surely this is a better legacy to leave and a better use of article space in newspapers...